Lost Friendships

By: Roger d. Stewart

Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth?

                                                                                                            Galatians 4:16

James (4:4) in his letter calls us to the difficult conclusion that friendship with the world is hostility toward God. The passage never held much personal meaning for me until recently. I assumed that James was telling us that friendship with an evil world puts us at odds with God. I am still sure that is accurate, but these days I think there may be more to it. There may be a more personal meaning that calls for us to make decisions for God that puts us at odds with worldly (physical) friendships. This essay is about just such a painful decision. Someone once said that all one has to do to be a writer is open a vein and bleed onto paper. I guess, therefore I am a writer because I am bleeding and it hurts.

More than once in my life I have had my best friend taken away from me. The first time it was by death. My dad died in 1991. More than just my dad, he had been my confidant, buddy, companion, teacher, mentor, advisor, and example. But he died. He was also my brother in Christ and I am certain I'll see him in heaven some day. 

More recently I lost my best friend over something that in many ways hurts much worse than if he had died. I lost my best friend over differences in our understanding of God and how he wants his church to behave.  I lost my best friend because I abandoned tradition that we once both held dear, and suggested that we might actually have more brothers and sisters in Christ than we once thought. I suggested that maybe some of the things we once thought important just weren’t all that important to God after all.

For the last eighteen years I have made no secret that my philosophy and theology, were changing. The church where I preach was also changing. Through study we had begun to find ways to accept and work with people who read and understood scripture in a way different from ours. Without compromising any of our beliefs, we simply found ways to work with others who did not hold similar beliefs. My former best friend remains my brother in Christ, I love him and I am certain I will see him in heaven again someday, but he rejected all of those conclusions and is convinced that I am a false teacher and determined to “divide the church”.

Years ago, as I began to see where my journey would lead me, I could see there would be painful separations and confrontations along the way, but I really thought friendships would transcend them. I was obviously too optimistic. I didn’t know who would resist, nor how deeply rooted the resistance would be, but knew it would be there. About that, Jesus was very clear.  He said that his truth would mark a point of separation between friends and would even result in division within and between families.

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.                                                                          Matthew 10: 34-39

It became apparent to me through study that compromised truth is no longer truth. It is something else entirely. And I concluded that if it comes to a choice of my pleasing man or God, God would win every time. 

Unfortunately in our modern day, traditional doctrines in almost every Christian group have become sacred cows – idols – that must be served and perpetuated by drawing lines of fellowship in the sand around them. Instead of spending time in prayerful study in an intellectually honest attempt to LEARN God’s will, we have in the past invested all our time and energy in memorizing proof texts and arguments that seem to support our denominating beliefs. When one undertakes to slay those sacred cows – the doctrines that have become idols – everything becomes a chip and one is called to put them on the table: family, friendships, career, as well as professional and social networks. Everything. When a person does that, he needs to be prepared to risk it all in the realization that he just might lose it all. Before he ever sits down at the table he must answer the question, "Is it really worth it?" If God loved me enough to sacrifice his son, I must be willing to do a little suffering as well if I am called to it. 

True friendship usually transcends almost any disaster, and is strengthened by surviving it together. Yet, even the most difficult and personal shared tragedies seem to become irrelevant when anger and tradition take over. Having been the closest of friends and sharing in the painful struggles through the loss of parents; sicknesses; children in crises; emotional pain; and other issues seems to count for nothing at all when one is challenged to think for himself instead of continuing to follow traditions that have been falsely labeled “truth”. 

It hurts terribly when you lose your best friend because you stand for what you are convinced is the truth of the Good News of Jesus Christ. I can't imagine what the pain might have been if it had been my mom or dad. I am convinced it is worth it, yet it is a dear, dear price to pay.//rds